Hello darkness my old friend

Autumn in the city was disappointing. As I walked out of the apartment the cutting wind I had expected for Melbourne fall didn’t come. The mild breeze mirrored my boredom. I walked along the lamp-lit stretch of the tree-filled avenue, chill slowly crept over me.

Hello there, long time no see.

Yesterday night, I drifted in and out of sleep as C moved about. Lifting heavy boxes, discarding used papers, weighing bulky luggages. Complaining, sighing, denying, talking. The noises she made lulled me in and out of sleep. I felt content to be disturbed, wrapped in a warm blanket of her presence.

Yet, deep down I was surprised by how quickly I got used to such domesticity. Just 2 months ago I’d stayed in my room, done my own things, laughed to myself, enjoyed the solitude wrapped in my own imagination.

I’d been fine back then.
But not anymore.

Years ago when I first felt the blow of moving all the time, I realized that it was better not to have any close friends and thus be spared of the tearful farewell, than to feel that I left behind more than just boxes of donated stuffs. The hanging threat of separation could sometimes be too much to bear, and thus I strived to avoid getting too close to anyone, because I knew we would be parted, in the foreseable future.

What’s the point of making friends, when you’ll say goodbye in the end?

So I lived in relative isolation for some years. I enjoyed my own company more than anyone else’s. And yes there were fits of sadness when the isolation became too much. But what could I do? Even hanging around people made me feel lonesome even more. I looked out from inside the cobwebs of my own fortress, relishing in the treasures within while observing with mild interest as the world passed me by.

It changed, though, recently. C was amazed by my ideas, and in turn I was amazed by her amazement. Somehow we reflected onto each other, and both found the bits and pieces of ourselves that we’d lost for all this time.

But of course, life needed ups and downs to be interesting. Life wrote, a month ago, that C was to go back home to do its biddings. Whatever that was. And so the act of farewell began.

Now, I was going back to my old fortress, to dig up the key, open the heavy wooden door, step in, and be wrapped in the cold chill within.

Hello darkness, long time no see.