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Hello darkness my old friend

Autumn in the city was disappointing. As I walked out of the apartment the cutting wind I had expected for Melbourne fall didn’t come. The mild breeze mirrored my boredom. I walked along the lamp-lit stretch of the tree-filled avenue, chill slowly crept over me.

Hello there, long time no see.

Yesterday night, I drifted in and out of sleep as C moved about. Lifting heavy boxes, discarding used papers, weighing bulky luggages. Complaining, sighing, denying, talking. The noises she made lulled me in and out of sleep. I felt content to be disturbed, wrapped in a warm blanket of her presence.

Yet, deep down I was surprised by how quickly I got used to such domesticity. Just 2 months ago I’d stayed in my room, done my own things, laughed to myself, enjoyed the solitude wrapped in my own imagination.

I’d been fine back then.
But not anymore.

Years ago when I first felt the blow of moving all the time, I realized that it was better not to have any close friends and thus be spared of the tearful farewell, than to feel that I left behind more than just boxes of donated stuffs. The hanging threat of separation could sometimes be too much to bear, and thus I strived to avoid getting too close to anyone, because I knew we would be parted, in the foreseable future.

What’s the point of making friends, when you’ll say goodbye in the end?

So I lived in relative isolation for some years. I enjoyed my own company more than anyone else’s. And yes there were fits of sadness when the isolation became too much. But what could I do? Even hanging around people made me feel lonesome even more. I looked out from inside the cobwebs of my own fortress, relishing in the treasures within while observing with mild interest as the world passed me by.

It changed, though, recently. C was amazed by my ideas, and in turn I was amazed by her amazement. Somehow we reflected onto each other, and both found the bits and pieces of ourselves that we’d lost for all this time.

But of course, life needed ups and downs to be interesting. Life wrote, a month ago, that C was to go back home to do its biddings. Whatever that was. And so the act of farewell began.

Now, I was going back to my old fortress, to dig up the key, open the heavy wooden door, step in, and be wrapped in the cold chill within.

Hello darkness, long time no see.

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2 thoughts on “Hello darkness my old friend

  1. Thank you my dear 🙂 I can really relate with a lot of things. For me, I used to be like that as well. Until I found TV. Until I found dancemates. Until I found cheerful housemate. Until I found you. But like you said, even those are not enough after awhile. I used to sleep with my TV on. I used to wish I can dance even better, reflecting myself in creative ways even better, because I was so limited by my own body.

    I guess Brit changed me a lot. I used to not care about my housemates, until she came along and changed my whole thinking 200%. It’s nice to have someone to ask you how’s your day everyday. Yes, such domesticity, but it’s warm and fuzzy and I like it. We all like it, of course to a varying extent.

    I can really relate with you saying ‘even hanging out with people make me feel even more lonesome’. Because they showed you how different and unfitting you are. Not necessarily in a bad way, there’s no good or bad, just differences. And I understand, you would rather be lonely than changing yourself to fit the mainstream. I guess now the challenge is finding someone, a stable companion, like you said before, that can stay with you and accept your divergency 🙂 and I know you will, you found me!

    Sometimes though, you never known how much you can connect with someone until you really opened up yourself. Like what you’re doing right now. Honest, open writings. And I can write back to you and tell you I feel the same way. So maybe, now it’s the time to be, just slightly moreee open? 🙂

    And see, putting it here, you can immortalise it, so you can refer back to it again and again, forever 🙂

    Missing you heaps,
    Countess

  2. I can understand this – I, however, have my boys but they are not with me all of the time. When they are not, it is me and Pee. I am not comfortable going out – I never have – I like the security of being around my house or with the few people I know – of who they are no longer around. I suppose I have more control with a few people instead of more and this brings me comfort.

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